Latest News from Downing College Cambridge

Downing College have warned students about the dangers of binge eating tonight after a student came close to DYING earlier this term.

In an email sent to all members of the College, the Master AND Senior Tutor AND Lord of all he surveys, said there had been an “increase in excessive eating” amongst students, and said students were now eating “both before dinner and afterwards.” The email went on to warn that a student, thought to be a fresher, almost died earlier in term after choking on her own hamburger. There are also reports that an ambulance had to be called to attend to a student rolling on the floor.

Master Rupert Everitt and Senior Tutor Graham Gemini-Virgo warned that binge eating could risk not only students’ health but also their future prospects.

The email warned: “excessive eating puts you as individuals at risk of violent toilet in the city, and also at risk of infringing the law; for some of you, such as intending lawyers and doctors, this may prevent you from pursuing your intended career. This should not be a problem for budding restaurant critics and local village policemen. Indeed it probably isn’t such a big problem for lawyers either.”

Second year Drowning student Hamish told The Tab: “I think there’s been a few issues in our year and with the freshers. Its a bit exaggerated though to be honest.

“Although there is definitely a culture of binge eating, the situation seems to have been massively exaggerated by the college. This is understandable given the slim reputation they want to upkeep.”

The Master, last seen in Dr Who, said the college would offer help and counselling to any members of the college struggling with massive food problems.

Downing Bar Manager Becky Powell stressed that the bar tried to keep a lid on the excessive eating, saying: “We encourage responsible eating and do not condone eating to excess. We just want people to have a good time within responsible limits. One time a man came in demanding three packets of crisps. I served him. He ate all three at once (within five minutes) and then proceeded to ask for another three. This time however I refused. He started to threaten me with his finger and so I locked the glass cabinet that we keep all the crisps and nuts in. Eventually he walked off with a nasty look on his face. I was pretty disturbed after that and didn’t come into work the next day. Eventually however (a day later) my crisis passed and I was able to return to work.”

But some students have hit out against the email. Downing third year SOPHIE Thorpe said: “We’re adults, we’re entitled to do what we like. I often eat biscotti while writing my next article on misogyny, sexism, how much I hate men, whether women should be Queen and men dogs, how much I love the army because I have compassion for men who lay down their lives while blasting the heads of some Afghan terrorist etc etc”

The email is the latest attempt by Cambridge colleges to tackle binge eating.

Last year the Bloated Scholars, the Downing College Girl’s Drinking Society, led by SOPHIE Thorpe, were fined (in bold) for bad behaviour, with snacks at college functions being reduced as a result.

St John’s College also introduced a ‘babysitting’ scheme for fat students last term. Student volunteers are paid up to £10 to look after students too engorged to look after themselves.

John’s third year Yosemite Hackett-Offs, who once lusted after a fresher, said: “I think it’s really good, the person I looked after was found on their own in the middle of Cambridge so she wouldn’t have been looked after by friends. I have no idea what I just said, could someone please help me.”

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