Alright Charlie my san-aahh
Ross ‘ere! Just been out drinking with the boys. Top f*ckinn night-ahh. Me and the producer went out in Bangkok (oi, oi-ahh!) on a bit of a razzle. He’s a good lad Mark. Lost ‘im. Disappeared somewhere in the crowd after five minutes.
Anyway wandered round for a good two hours lookin for him but no luck. So came back. Wondered what I’d do– thought I know I’ll write to my boy Charlie-aahh! Got a hot dog in one hand, pen in the other ready to go!
I’m out here filming my new programme, Kemp on Thailand. 75 degrees in the shade outside, I’m burnt to a crisp! So far I’ve been to a football game, mingled with the ladyboys, got a Thai massage (yeah baby!), nearly got beaten up by a ladyboy, sipped margarita’s with Thaksin Sinawater, and I even had a tounge sandwich with a 6 foot babe. Pure filth.
Hold on, just gonna bite into this hot dog. Oooh spicy!
Anyway how are you my son? Keeping your bottom out of mischief (ho, ho, wink, wink :)). Chokey’s not a very nice place is it? To tell you the truth I can emphathise/sympathise/empathise with yer. Not that long ago I was in jail too when I was married to Rebekahh. Ho, ho, ho.
No but seriously that marriage was just like a prison sentence. Many nights she’d come in and say to me: “Look Ross I’ve had enough of looking at you and your fat little baby body, you little f*ck. Now get yourself in that cupboard!”
And then she’d force me in the cupboard and lock me in there for the night. I’d plead with her, “Please Rebekah, I don’t like it in the cupboard. I don’t like it in here, please let me out.”
But she’d never listen. Never listened to me. No one ever listens to me Charlie. No one…
Sorry babe, I’m a bit drunk. Just going to have one last bite of this hot dog…..