Letter from Edward Milliband

Dear Charlie

I contact you in our darkest hour. The economy is stalling, the populace riot, men go hungry and sexless, women can only think of curtains, and in this benighted nadir the country is left directionless and floundering. The political rudder is broken.

I feel that we share a common bond my friend, if I can call you that. You have been vilified beyond measure on account of your background, your privileged upbringing and education. And I too have, for a long time, been vilified, mocked, scorned, because of my FACE. Forrest Gump, Wallace, Gromit, Mr. Bean’s brother, the glittering raisin…these are but some of the names they call me.

I find it almost beyond belief that anyone, with or without an education, can take such a childish line as to make someone’s facial appearance the focus of a political attack. I always had it this way Charlie. Those days when my brother Glenn was romping in the bandstands,  my other brother David and I had our heads buried in the books, willing ourselves to one day become prime minister, junior minister, backbencher…anything. Students would come around and just laugh at us. Oh but Mr. Bean was ok. He only got the whiny voice. I got the full works Charlie. And all because of my FACE!

Among many things the fact that I achieved a double degree at Oxbridge University, is more relevant than my face. Why should it matter that I have a complexion like fresh bacon? Am I not a man?

Political debate is one thing but ill-informed name calling is another. Anyway Charlie if you ever get out of jail give me a call. I’m better on the phone.


Edward Milliband


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