Love Letters


Dear Charlie
I have a lot of fantasies but this one always gets me off. Every Tuesday night my boyfriend and another couple called Roy and Liz go to see a movie. It’s the 2-for-1 offer for Orange Tuesday and so we like to go along, watch a film, eat popcorn things like that.
In my fantasy I lock eyes with the cutest usher as we walk in: tall and skinny, wearing a red waistcoat and round glasses—yes it YOU Charlie.
Its electric that look and we both know we’re attracted to each other. Halfway through I have to pee and so leave my boyfriend. I stop as I pass you and your eyes wander lustfully over my body. Without a word you take my hand and lead me down the corridor. I follow like a little lost girl. You lead me into the projection room where I can see everyone in the theatre, including my boyfriend who is vigorously munching popcorn which he keeps fixed rigidly in his lap.

You lay me down on a table in the middle of the projection room and run your hand up the inside of my thigh. I get off the table and stand in the middle of the projection room my a55 in the air so you can enter me from behind. Without warning you’re inside me. I groan.

Meanwhile Sue is reaching into my boyfriend’s popcorn box. She’s taking handful after handful and stuffing it greedily into his mouth. Geoff her boyfriend is completely unaware of this and continues to silently munch on his own popcorn. O God, I think, what could they be doing?
You are all a-frenzy at my back door and my mind turns to thoughts of curtains. Why O why does my boyfriend refuse to redecorate the front room? I hate him for it.
Soon you are spent and fall onto the floor, your half-moon glasses skew-whiff across your face. I think they may be broken. I look down and see my boyfriend polishing off the last of the popcorn. He bellows out one last silent scream, Sues hair goes curly, and Geoff continues to munch munch munch into oblivion. I wonder which God created him. Is he even human?

Love Esther


Hi Charlie!!!
My name is Darlene and I live in Mendota Minnesota, where I work on my families turkey farm. Old man Abe is a wordly soul and read about you being incarcerated and all, and well Mendota’s a small town and news travels fast. All my sisters have married men on death row here in the USA, all fine upstanding gentlemen (‘cept when they’ll be sitting in the chair! Lol!), putting to one side whatever particular misdemeanours got ‘em there in the first place of course. Anyhow, when I heard of you I got to a wonderin’…well you know!!! I’ve found out a bit about you, and you seem nice (an English prince!! Lol!), and what you did didn’t sound so bad given you being intoxicated at the time and your being remorseful and all (Chad Epstien relieved himself on a picture of Obama last fall, which is kind of the same, and all he got was a beatin’ with a hickory switch). Anyway, here’s hopin’ this message finds you well, and if you write then I will write back soon! Darlene. PS. We have lots of quills on the farm, maybe I could send one to England you seem to like them.


2 thoughts on “Love Letters

  1. Hey Charlie!
    You must’ve been a wonderin’ why I hadn’t wrote you after you replied to my letter and all. I so hope you weren’t aggrieved by that, but we have only one Computer here in Mendota, in the back of Pami’s diner, and all’s free to use it as long as you eat a steak and eggs or whatever. Anyhows, I been down there every evening since I last wrote you, and that’s a long a walk from the farm an all, but Todd Reilly was playin’ Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 every night and wouldn’t let me on! Since he was knee high to a sow’s navel he’s wanted to kill people, so now he’s finally got what he always wanted and signed up for Afganistan, so after all that waitin’ I can finally write you back! Can you post a picture on your website, and I will send you a picture of me – I have one that Old man Abe took at the Plum and Pumpkin Parade (that sure must sound funny to you but it’s a big thing here in Mendota and I have been the Pumqueen for these past 2 years running! LOL!). I have some other pictures that Chad Epstien’s brother took last fall (he’s from the city) but it would not be proper of me to send those to you until we are better acquainted. So I have been readin’ your website and you seem very intellectule, but I want to know more about your hobbies and interests, so please write soon! Darlene. PS. Do you like corn dogs – I love them so much!! Dx.

    1. Hail America
      Land of the Vespuccis, black coffee and uncles with aunts in Perth, aunts with nephews in Donegal, and sisters with children twice removed, in tass, on the A4 just outside Pewick. What you lack in knowledge you make up for in enthusiasm. If France is the unhappy cat you are the incorrigible Labrador. I hope we may meet someday lady.

      [This is an automated response generated by CJBG in Wandsworth, copyright CJBG in Wandsworth]

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