Letter from Noel Edmonds

September 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

Dear Charlie

I read  about your terrible predicament in jail and thought I should write. How boring that these fellows seek to choke your young spark, throttle your vigour. We strong men should be free to run the wilds, flying off tether and shackle. I myself follow the path of the Imperial Stag. Do you know it? No, you say?

The imperial stag is Britain’s largest wild animal. He is the unique and sole member of his species, and as such the only one able to bear the name ‘the imperial’. His height from hoof to antler is nine feet, he weighs two tonnes and has a pair of antlers which are harder than graphite. He also possesses the largest pair of bollocks of any ruminating mammal in the British Isles.

The imperial’s sole purpose in life is to be an alpha male. He is the prime alpha not only of his clan, but of all ruminating faunae to be found on this island. Between the months of June and October (‘the summer rut’) the imperial gathers together a harem of 50 females, comprising those with the glossiest coats and hardest hooves. He spends several months guarding this harem from intruding males, using his sheer strength, power and lifeforce to defeat all those before him, whilst bulking up on leaves and grass.

Come August and the imperial is ready to rut. For the next month the imperial will rut like no one has ever rut before. He ruts day and night, night and day, forgoing sleep and food, his mind focused on fulfilling one primal urge. By the end of the month he is left thin and weak, having rut to within an inch of his life. He has shed all his muscle and is now a mere fragment of what he was in June. For the winter months he will do nothing but sleep and eat until he is once again the prime alpha.

You see Charlie there are seasons for us all.

Yours

Noel

 

Dear Charlie

Today I realised that I am a cunt.

Noel

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